


Instrumentality: Live Together or Die Alone?

by CatAlex



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Angst, Complete, Other, Psychological Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-02
Updated: 2011-02-02
Packaged: 2017-10-15 07:37:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/158550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatAlex/pseuds/CatAlex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series concerning various people and their choices when faced with Instrumentality.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Is To Live Together, Really To Die Alone?

**Author's Note:**

> This is planned to be a little series of various people (who may be canon or random folk) who face Instrumentality and how they deal with it. Will they cave, or fight - win or lose. And saying that - what is winning and losing - being turned to LCL and joining everyone, or retaining your AT Field? This is based off watching the series, and not End of Evangelion. I was simply inspired by Evangelion and had an urge to write this. It's non-linear. Also, this is up to your own interpretation. I hope you enjoy.

"I want to be touched."

 _Don't touch me…_

"Touch me."

 _I don't want to be touched._

"Please… I can't bear it…"

 _I want more…_

Her eyes closed, tears forming under her lids. And the tears slipped and fell, rolling down the sides of her face. They tickled and left a wet path of pain and sorrow. She was lying on the floor, but where she had no idea. But really, did she care? There was a hand, and it was hovering over her. It might touch her. She knew who the hand belonged to, yet that couldn't be right – he was dead. She was too scared to move – in case he left? In case he stayed?

"Please don't touch me."

 _I crave it too much. I'll become something else. The unknown –_

Her breaths quickened in unison with her heart. She couldn't – she wouldn't –

"When I gave my life, so the Lilim could live, I was unaware of some things," a new voice contemplated above her.

"I want to be touched…"

 _But if you do…_

"I'm sure you do. I think I'm starting to understand. You harboured feelings for me, not unlike the ones I had for Shinji, but different. A different kind of love, a personal one I was unaware of, because you harboured it deep in your heart, away from where I could see. And as a consequence of this undisclosed feeling, I unintentionally hurt you." His voice soothed her, but at the same time, unnerved her. He was dead…

"You're dead…"

"I am the perception of me you had. You perceived me to be sympathetic to your predicament, and so I am here behaving like this. But I am still me, as we exist both as ourselves and what others perceive us to be."

His hand still hovered.

"You're afraid of contact, yet still you crave it."

"Please…"

His hand rested on her stomach and she shuddered. The contact was so frightening, yet felt so good.

"Do you believe if Kaworu Nagisa had of lived, he would have engaged in a romantic relationship with you?" he questioned, stroking her stomach. She didn't know what to say.

"Would you have even told him about your feelings, or would you have merely hoped he would notice and do something about it?"

Her heart wrenched. He knew what she would have done.

"Please…"

"Can all you do is beg me?"

 _I want to be touched, no matter the cost I perceive._

"No… Touch me."

"Will I be touched in return? Do I want to be touched? Do I trust my heart with you, even as you are willing to entrust yours to me?"

"I… don't know."

"You do not know me."

She remained silent.

"My love for Shinji was a love for mankind – a love for the Lilim's frailties. Shinji has the potential to be strong, but it is swallowed by his weaknesses. You too have the potential to be great, as all humans do, but your weaknesses hold you back. To overcome is not to win through, as most believe. It is to come against a different challenge. To win at life is to push past all these problems, to never give up. To never run away." His voice echoed in her ears and mind. She wasn't sure if the hand and the voice were joined anymore. His voice ran into the walls, everything was melting together in her mind. She was losing the battle, she realised. If she failed, she would die.

 _You mustn't run away._

"If… if I am happy to live in the company of a perceived shadow, I am really living with myself. And to live with myself is an empty life. You are dead, and so you are a shadow. If I crave solitude, I will be granted the loss of my individuality, and so my death. To die like this is wrong. I will not die because I am selfish." Her voice had grown stronger. Kaworu chuckled and removed his hand.

"Congratulations."

And she awoke to the world.


	2. To Be At One, Is To Find Peace

_I'm pretty tired…_

 _Why was this choice forced upon me? Perhaps I like being safe._

"Do you believe in safety in numbers?"

 _I think depending on others will only get you hurt._

"But you fear being alone."

 _Do I fear being harmed by contact with others more?_

"Do you?"

 _I don't know._

His head felt strange. A background buzzing – a mental itch. Where were his limbs?

"You're struggling to come to terms with yourself and determine your fate." Who was the voice?

 _Who are you?_

"Your voice speaks of fear. You fear yourself. You fill the monstrous sound of silence with other people's unintelligible noise. It is futile, and simply another method of escaping."

 _Escaping myself._

"Correct."

 _Who are you?_

"I am you."

 _I don't want to be me. It's too painful to bear myself alone._

"You will not face up to yourself? Why?"

 _I can't face me, it hurts._

"You fear pain? Mental pain?"

 _There is no pain._

"Then it is shame."

 _NO!_

"You're ashamed of yourself."

 _NO!_

"That's why you dislike talking to me. You cannot face me, because I am you."

 _Leave me alone!_

"Very well." The presence of the voice faded. His arms ached. Looking at them, he found them to be slowly succumbing and turning to LCL. He closed his eyes again. He didn't know what to do.

 _Someone! Please!_

"I am not you. I am your perception of Shinji Ikari. You looked up to me, didn't you? Thought being an EVA pilot was something to be jealous of, even as I suffered before the whole class' eyes." The new voice sounded just like the EVA pilot. He knew it was false, but he couldn't escape.

 _I wished to be you._

"A foolish dream. You are too afraid to allow yourself to be part of everyone else, yet your dream is to be another. The only way you shall achieve this is by allowing yourself to mingle with everyone."

 _They will hurt me._

"They will be able to hurt you as much as you can hurt them, yet you will no longer be you. To be another, you must forsake yourself. Then, you shall no longer be yourself, nor the 'they' you perceive be 'they'. 'They' would be you, just as you they. Do you understand? To be your dream and become me, I must become you."

 _I'm confused._

He opened his eyes and found Shinji smiling.

"We shall no longer ever be 'I'. We shall all be 'we'."

 _I'm confused. Do I want this?_

"I can't answer that question. You won't let anyone into your heart."

 _So… I won't have to be ashamed of myself? Because I won't shoulder the whole burden of me. We'll share it?_

Shinji smiled in a way he'd never seen before. He seemed truly happy, the defeated look in his eyes gone to be replaced with a sparkle.

"Exactly!"

 _I want to share in my pain._

"Then we'll share and be at peace."

 _Thank you…_

"You're welcome." He disappeared and he felt his body give itself up.

It felt glorious.


	3. To Face Pain, Is To Feel Life

Everything was drifting in and out of focus like a wave. He was starting to feel sick. He had walked through every corridor he could find, but now he was lost. NERV was a pretty big place, he discovered. His father worked here, but he had never been allowed in, despite how desperately he'd pleaded with him.

Perhaps, in the end, it had been for the best. He'd discarded his glasses ages ago, to shield his vision from more horrors. People dead in NERV headquarters. He was afraid to find his father. Yet he still walked on, hand to a wall. On a couple of occasions his hand had come into contact with blood, or a blood-like substance. LCL? He couldn't be sure.

"Kensuke." It was a blurred form of Toji. He was standing, but his arm and leg were still gone. Kensuke felt like crying. Why had he so desperately wanted to be an EVA pilot?

"Toji? What are you doing here?" he said, coming closer to bring his friend into vision. Toji looked his normal self, if a little calmer than usual.

"Me? I'm not here. You brought me here."

"I did?" What was going on? Toji took a step closer, the void where his leg was still moving and taking his weight as if he had a leg. It was disconcerting. It wasn't possible.

"I'm just your mind's version of Toji. You feel guilty about this," Toji motioned with his right arm to the left side of his body, "You wish you hadn't wanted to be an EVA pilot so badly. But it's too late now."

"It's never too late," Kensuke countered, "now I've seen the true horror of being an EVA pilot, I feel bad all those times I chided Shinji about becoming one, or how cool it was to be one!"

Toji snorted.

"You say that, but deep down you still wish you were one."

Kensuke ground his teeth. He couldn't see into him like that.

"I can because I am a part of you."

"What is this all about? Why am I even seeing a figment of my imagination!" He was getting angry, hands balling into fists. Toji laughed.

"Out of the two of us, you're losing your cool? Thought I'd never see the day Kensuke Aida lost his temper over something that wasn't battleships or something." This Toji was goading, but Kensuke wondered why? Was he connected to the bodies he'd come across?

"Shut up! What's going on! Where's my dad?"

Toji grew calm, lowering his head briefly before meeting Kensuke's grey eyes.

"Instrumentality happened. Your father may have become LCL, depending on his choice and willpower. And now it's your turn."

His blood ran cold.

"Oh my God," he murmured. It couldn't be. He'd heard rumours, snatches of this 'Instrumentality', and now it had happened. He couldn't take it anymore.

He began to run.

"You can't escape this!" Toji called, his voice fading.

Kensuke rounded a corner and ran into Toji. The taller boy gripped his shoulder with one strong hand, face menacingly close.

"You won't escape this way. You need to decide."

Kensuke stepped back, eyes wide with fear.

"I have to decide now?"

"Yes, now."

Kensuke looked around, the world around him still holding a slight blur. He wanted, no needed, to sit down. But there was nothing, so he slid to the floor, back against a wall. Toji joined him.

"You feel guilty about what happened to me in contrast to your constant support of being an EVA pilot. The pain you feel wrapped in this guilt must be addressed. Do you want to face this pain alone, or join with others and allow the guilt and pain be washed away in the presence of others?" Kensuke knew that the Toji he was facing was a mouthpiece, but it was still odd to hear Toji sounding so… adult.

He began to panic.

"I need to think… I need time to think…"

"Think away."

Kensuke pulled his knees up to his chest and thought. His mind was empty – he was too stressed to even form what he wanted to think about. Blankness… just a void where he was meant to think.

What was he going to do? Was his father… was everyone gone? And this guilt that somehow it had been his fault. He was the one who always wanted to pilot an EVA and fight the Angels, but his friends had been put in danger instead. He always thought NERV had been right, but in the end, they had been betrayed.

"We were betrayed," he murmured, tears welling. Toji chuckled.

"I'm afraid you were. Lillith wants to bring you all into her again. She wants humanity to mingle as one in peace."

Kensuke was revolted and his eyes burned into Toji's brown ones.

"It isn't that Angel – it's NERV! They did this!" he shouted, anger getting the best of him. He jumped to his feet and began to pace. Toji got up and stood still, watching the shorter boy.

"I suppose they did. But you're thinking about the wrong thing. Your AT Field. Do you wish to consolidate your guilt with humanity and be at peace?"

Kensuke realised what it was he wanted, what was to be done. He took a deep breath, anguish plain on his face.

"I understand now. Yes, I am guilty about the way I acted, even as my friends suffered because of NERV and the EVAs. But what you're saying is just another form of running away, isn't it? Escaping by joining everyone else and what? Becoming a pool of LCL that merges with the stupid pools of LCL that's everyone else! Ridiculous! I'll face my pain alone, and one day I'll get through all this and be a better person, who can help others. If you're just LCL, that's not experiencing life, that's just a base existence. I'm sure others will realise that too," Kensuke decided and Toji nodded, a small smile tugging on his lips.

"Other people may not be as strong as you," Toji said, disappearing.

Kensuke suddenly felt very alone.


	4. To Open Your Heart, Is To Hurt

She had been running for too long. She'd been sick after running for ten minutes, yet she had still stumbled on. Exhaustion engulfed her and she collapsed into the grass. She may have been by a lake, but she been so focused on getting away… she didn't know.

She passed out. And then things starting getting  _really_  weird.

She was in a dark place, and standing there were the three EVA pilots that had been in her class – the quiet girl and boy, Rei and Shinji, and the loud girl, Asuka. They all looked gloomy.

 _What are you doing here?_

Huh, she couldn't speak. Odd. The three children seemed to hear her though.

"What are you, stupid?" Asuka half-heartedly snapped, sighing huffily. Shinji just looked sad, while Rei remained unmoved.

"Asuka…" Shinji mumbled, but the fiery girl smacked him around the head.

"We're aspects of your being! What else did you think we were? You passed out, didn't you?" Asuka said, eyes narrowing.

Hikari Horaki blinked. The girl before her looked like her friend, but she remembered passing out. Everything had become so confusing. Everyone around her was falling apart and she had just run away. What had happened to her sisters? To Toji?

"You feel like you are being forgotten," Rei quietly commented and Hikari looked to Rei standing off to her left. Rei's red eyes met hers and she felt that the Rei standing before her knew things she didn't. Fear began to grip her. Things weren't right.

 _I need to get out of here_ , Hikari muttered, standing and looking around. The darkness began to fade to reveal the field again. The three EVA pilots still stood with her. Shinji scuffed his shoe in the grass, head down.

"There's nowhere to go, Horaki. You need to stop and take stock. You have to decide what you're going to do with yourself," Asuka stated, arms folded across her chest. Hikari remained still, taking a shaky breath. She looked at each of them – Asuka looking like she could kill with a look, Rei impassive yet seeming to hold a wealth of knowledge, and Shinji… he wouldn't even look up.

 _What's wrong, Shinji?_  she asked, stepping closer.

Shinji raised his head, his eyes filled with distress.

"I don't know what to do!" he cried, his hands grasping his hair. Hikari was taken aback by his outburst, not understanding what was going on.

 _Who are you really!_

Rei gave Asuka a look, which made the redhead shut her already opening mouth and roll her eyes.

"I am your knowledge – the knowledge you are aware of but do not necessarily face up to. Asuka is your passion and common sense. And Shinji is effectively your ego, which is indecisive."

Hikari frowned, confused.

 _Aren't_ I _my ego? I'm me – he can't be me too._

"He can – we're all in your head," Asuka pointed out and Hikari didn't know what to say, so said nothing. Shinji let his hair go and straightened, his haunted eyes boring into hers.

"We need to decide whether to join the others who evacuated," Shinji explained and Hikari shuddered.

 _But they were dissolving!_

"They were becoming one," said Rei, calling up the memory of the pools of LCL running together in Hikari's mind. She shuddered.

 _I don't wanna be that!_

"You do not know what 'that' is," Rei reminded her and Hikari shook her head.

 _Do we need to? Dissolving generally isn't a good thing._

"I don't want to die," Shinji murmured, and Hikari couldn't agree more. Asuka tossed her hair and snorted.

"Coward. Fearing the unknown. You should fear what you  _do_  know. Reserve your fear until you know what it is first," spat Asuka to Shinji, and the boy frowned, turning away from her.

 _Then what was is?_  Hikari demanded, looking at them all.

"Everyone was joining with each other, to be comforted and fill the void within each of us." Hikari watched Rei, waiting for her to tell her what she was saying was just some kind of joke.

 _Did you just make that up?_

"I am making a point as to what we witnessed. Everyone was joining together," confirmed Rei. Hikari felt herself beginning to hyperventilate.

 _What about my sisters – Nozomi, Kodama… what about Toji! They all… melted and joined together?_ Her voice began to rise in panic. Shinji's breathing began to increase and he sat on the grass, curling up so his knees were against his chest and his head buried in his knees. His arms were wrapped tightly around his legs.

"You saw," Asuka said, walking away. She disappeared after getting ten feet away. Rei approached Hikari and gave her a nod.

"There is nothing more we can do. You have to decide yourself what to do." And with that, she too walked away and disappeared. Shinji didn't move.

 _Why haven't you gone?_

"I am you," he whispered.

 _So were they!_  She argued, but Shinji shrugged.

"They were just parts of you. I'm you."

 _I don't want to be a pool of stuff!_

"That's not good enough. You can't just not want to be something. Sometimes we have to become the things we don't want to be, like when a child grows up and has to be an adult. You need reasons, another purpose to avoid the destination you're heading to."

Hikari didn't want to talk about this anymore.

 _Why is the other me you? A boy?_

Shinji raised his head from his knees.

"Why not? There is male and female in all of us. An aspect of yourself could be male. And why me… because you wouldn't want yourself to be Toji or Kensuke, would you?" Hikari wrinkled her nose at the idea of either of them representing her.

 _I suppose._

"You're trying to get away from your purpose. You have to choose whether to join everyone or not. You feel the void in your heart. It could be filled if you joined them."

Hikari sat down opposite Shinji, her heart aching. She could feel it in there.

 _Yeah, but meshing with other people isn't going to make it better. Then I wouldn't be me, would I?_

"What do you think?" Blue eyes met brown ones.

 _If we were all joined together, I wouldn't be me. We'd all be one thing._

"I don't know. We can only speculate."

 _Why are people doing this!_  She didn't understand why people would do it, but deep inside her, where the void lay, she could feel the real answer call to her. Hikari didn't want to acknowledge it, but Shinji shook his head.

"You know why. Say it."

…  _People are afraid to be alone. People get hurt when they allow people in, but are painfully alone when they don't let anyone in. To be… joined… would mean no-one is hurt because we'll be as one._

"Do we want that?"

Hikari looked at the imaginary grass, gently pulling tufts up as she thought.

 _No. I don't want to lose control. I don't want to never get to tell Toji how I feel because I was afraid of getting hurt. People are being stupid. I'm not going to join together with everyone because I was too scared to do anything. I realise this now. Yeah, it can hurt if you let people in, but I'll gladly pay that price to not be alone._

Shinji stood and Hikari joined him.

"We're growing up," he said and Hikari gave a small smile.

 _I guess this is goodbye._

She hugged him and she felt his slim arms hug her back.

"We made the right choice."

She woke up and was still on grass. She stood and looked around.

There had been a lake, after all.


	5. The Balance of Pleasure and Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This name coming up is made up. She is in no way a featured character, but a canon character will show up. This in influenced somewhat by End of Evangelion, though probably doesn't completely follow the true events of what happened.

She wouldn't look back, she refused to. But she couldn't move either. She was too afraid. Cacophony all around. People touched by an unseen force, then a look as if they had found some peace and were finally happy, then –

She curled up on the concrete pavement. Then… death. A sob escaped and she shook her head. It couldn't be true! It couldn't, it couldn't, it couldn't, it couldn't…

"Hello."

Immediately she had jumped to her feet and prepared to fight. No-one was going to kill her!

"Who are you!" she screamed, looking for a weapon. Some wreckage revealed a broken off piece of pipe. She scrambled over and took it. It was heavy, but she hauled it up in preparation to lash out if she had to.

The girl standing before her was strange looking. Light blue hair, red eyes… just standing there in a school uniform. She hoisted her pipe up a little closer to her and stepped back.

"Who are you!" she shouted again. The silence was disconcerting.

"Rin Sakata," the girl finally answered.

"You're lying – that's  _my_  name!"

"I am a reflection of you refracted through Lillith."

She didn't know what the girl was talking about, but Rin made a decision. She swung the pipe at the girl. Kill or be killed.

It swept right through the other girl. The girl's demeanour didn't change at the attempt to kill her, remaining motionless. Her eyes moved to the pipe now hanging low in Rin's hands.

"Physical harm is impossible. You have to conquer me mentally, or become like those you saw earlier. They each had attachments to another, each had a person they would lower the wall of their heart to. But you… you are too afraid to trust anyone. This makes you… a challenge. I will give you a choice. Do you wish to join everyone and become one and at peace. To start over again?" the girl offered and Rin felt revolted.

"Why would I want something as stupid as that!" she snapped, finally relenting and dropping the pipe. People were crazy! This girl, who claimed to be her, was too!

The girl gave a small smile.

"They weren't losing themselves, they were gaining others. Finally healing the hole in their hearts that could never be filled. And when it was, it was only temporary. But what is occurring now is permanent. You will be at peace with yourself and others. Don't you want that?"

Rin's eyes darted about. There was nowhere left to go. Around her – across the street, on the pavement – pools of orange liquid that were formerly people marinating in their former clothes.

"Why would I want that? Look at them – they're nothing now. Nothing!"

"They have found their balance of pleasure and pain. As humans they could not regulate such a thing due to their interactions with others. Like you. You have been hurt in the past, and as a result you are too afraid to lower the wall around your heart in order to balance your pain with pleasure. So you are doomed to live with a pained heart, with no reprieve of pleasure. Does that not sadden you?"

Rin felt her heart ache.

"Shut up."

"You are sad and hurt. In joining-"

"SHUT UP!"

Silence and peace. Rin took a shaky breath, turning away from the girl she was starting to despise. She wished the girl dead, over and over in her head.

"One step is all it will take. And you won't have to hurt anymore," the girl said behind her. She'd moved closer, her voice almost beside her ear. Rin began to cry.

"I never wanted this," she whimpered, wrapping her arms around her body. Slowly, the other girl's arms came around her.

"Then let yourself go, and restore the balance within you," the girl whispered.

"I'll be hurt again…"

"You will never be hurt ever again. If you join them, you will never feel pain, and the pain you already carry will be dissolved." Comfort emanated from her voice.

"Goodbye."

The balance was perfect.


	6. One Step Forward, No Looking Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another OC, who interacts with a canon character.

_I thought it had all been easy. Life was a walk in the park._

He wiped away the blood from his mouth and looked at his side. It didn't look good.

 _Now the park is full of flaming wreckage. Who'dve thought, huh? Who'dve thought it was gonna end this way? After all these Angel attacks, the final blow comes from an army?_

Masateru had pulled the shard of metal from his side fifteen minutes ago. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, but now staunching the blood was slowly becoming his top priority. In the movies, you either were able to hold a piece of cloth over your wound and carry on with minor difficulties, or bled so fast you died in a matter of minutes.

In his case, he could still carry on, but he was finding himself tearing more of his shirt up to press to his side and hold off the flow of blood. Except the cloth was more soaking the blood up than keeping it in his body.

 _Dammit, if this doesn't get treated I'm…_

He carried on. The blast he'd been caught in had been surprising, but Masateru thought he'd taken to this new situation with relative ease. He'd just kept walking, heading for higher ground. He was under the impression higher ground was safer. Perhaps it was.

People were alive, if banged up, from what he could tell. What NERV was doing, Masateru had no clue, but he could be certain that this attack was their fault. All the pain Tokyo-3 suffered was always their fault. His girlfriend had been caught in an Angel attack a few months back. She'd been physically alright, but mentally… she'd ended up pretty traumatised. And then she'd left him.

 _I hope you're alright, Sakura…_

The path up the side of the cliff was trying when your side was slowly bleeding out. He needed to see everything, even if it was just one last time. People were tough, maybe he could tough it out until help arrived. The follies of claiming independency seemed so obvious now Tokyo-3 was lying in near ruins.

 _We're so self sufficient, but we'll be begging for help from anyone soon enough now._

The summit.

 _Finally._

Masateru tore another piece of his top off his ragged shirt and pressed it to his injured side. He could hold on longer, he was sure.

 _People had survived worse injuries than this little thing._

"Salvation awaits," a voice said and Masateru's eyes flew to the source of the voice. A grey haired, red eyed boy stood, seemingly at ease despite the disaster site spread out before the two of them. A knowing smile graced his lips.

"Does it now?" Masateru replied, approaching the boy with no fear. He was nearly twenty, and this boy looked no more than fifteen, and appeared fairly delicate looking.

"You have no fear of me, even though you don't know who or what I could be," the boy observed as Masateru drew up alongside him. Masateru cocked an eyebrow, focusing on the youth.

"I tend to place some faith on physical appearances. Should I be afraid?"

The boy seemed to think for a moment, then tilted his head.

"Yes. And no," he decided.

"Okay. Do I get a name to maybe fear?"

"Kaworu Nagisa."

Masateru nodded and stuck out his free hand.

"Masateru Maeda, at your service," he introduced himself. Kaworu shook his hand and then the two turned to look over the cliff edge at Tokyo-3.

"A figure of speech can be more revealing than I imagined. Your choice of words amuse me, for you are speaking to an Angel. Perhaps humans are in the service of Angels."

Masateru wondered if the boy had knocked his head.

"You're an Angel, huh? Interesting form to present yourself in – a kid."

Kaworu looked at the upset sky, his smile never wavering.

"I was born this way. The soul of an Angel resides in me," he paused, "Resided in me. I'm dead, but forms of me exist in others. And from the process of Instrumentality, I'm able to reconstitute my AT Field, and so my body, from the collaboration of other people's perceptions of me. And from this, I have become myself again, except built from the flesh of Lillith, not Adam," Kaworu explained.

"Right. I'm just a regular guy – I have no idea what you're talking about. You didn't hit your head or something, did you?" Masateru questioned, peering closely into Kaworu's eyes. But they betrayed no lie.

"I have not bumped by head, Masateru. And what I said bore some mention to events that effect you greatly. You must make a choice."

Masateru didn't look convinced.

"Make a choice. Of course, that's exactly why I wasted the last of my life getting to the top of this cliff." The sarcasm failed to touch Kaworu. He turned and faced the taller boy, almost a man, and his smile fell.

"I have to show you then, to make you believe," he said, and Masateru's world was shattered.

 _What is this? Make it stop!_

Visions flooded into his head; pools of information threatening to dissolve his brain with an overload. It could have been a mere minute or more than an hour he was trapped in this deluge of knowledge before finally being released. Masateru gasped and choked, now on his knees, the makeshift bandage forgotten. Kaworu was on his knees, rewrapping up the wound, humming as he did.

"You're… too calm… if whatever the hell you just gave me is true…" Masateru gasped as he recovered himself. Kaworu nonchalantly shrugged and finished the bandage, climbing to his feet.

"I'm sorry, but you need to know what is happening. You need to make a choice."

Masateru sighed and stood. The wound felt a little better, the throbbing pain had receded if only a little. So Instrumentality, orchestrated by men, threatened their lives. Choices had to be made. They could grant this SEELE's wishes and meld, die and be reborn. Ideas of being the eighteenth Angel seared his mind and he gave a ticked off sigh.

 _Shit. When did things get so complicated?_

"Masateru? Have you decided?" Kaworu asked, but Masateru waved a hand to silence him.

"I'm still thinking!" he growled. Kaworu nodded, content to look out over the disintegrating city. SEELE had meant business when they came to Tokyo-3. They had really hated Gendo Ikari. Minutes passed before Kaworu settled his eyes on this one man standing beside him, facing the horrors below as well as the horror of the knowledge placed in his head.

Masateru looked out from the cliff edge, gazing down on the half destroyed buildings, fires and roaming people.

 _It's not just my decision, is it? It's everyone's. Even though I'm being told everyone is disconnected from everyone else, and this wall we put up between ourselves causes us to be alone, we're still connected to everyone._ He began to frown, but then a small smile formed and he shook his head, clearing his mind.

 _He's wrong. This guy is wrong. There are ties between people, even if we're separate. We're one people, even if we're individuals. This kid is trying to force this decision on me, but there is no decision to be made._

"We're already at one," he finally decided, facing the boy, "you have clearly made a mistake. You claim we're the eighteenth Angel, and somehow we got split up? Perhaps as this eighteenth Angel we're meant to be this way. You think too literally to believe we're not one being." He looked back out over his former home. Beside him, the boy's face became uncertain, but then he finally began to grin. He laughed hard and Masateru turned to him.

"So… what do you think?" he asked, amused at Kaworu's amusement. He'd never heard anyone sound so joyful, especially considering what was happening.

The younger boy still laughed, gripping his sides. Eventually Kaworu brought himself together and took several deep breaths.

"I think your kind will go far."

And he was gone. Masateru Maeda watched the city burn and crumble, and then he began to laugh.


	7. Thanatos

"Look into your mind, and if you believe in it, look into your soul."

Toji jerked awake at the voice. He couldn't remember what he had been doing. Homework? Wait – hadn't something happened? He felt he was missing something, but couldn't put a finger on it. He sighed, going to pull himself up and then noticed his arm. Or lack thereof.

' _Ah.'_

"What…" he began, thinking he must still be dreaming. Some crazy nightmare, where everything is normal, and then nothing is.

Then he snapped back to reality.

And screamed.

"It doesn't have to be this way. I wish you to let me in, and together we can all be happy and grow."

He abruptly ceased his yelling to stare at the figure off to the side of his vision.

"Ayanami?" he slowly asked.

She stood, looking her usual solemn self. Toji struggled up into a sitting position, beginning to freak out again.

"Where am I?"

Rei gave him a blank look.

"You know where you are. You have been here for some time now," she informed him, "But what you should be thinking about is getting better."

His breathing began to quicken. Memories were surfacing, things that made him want to curl up into a ball and never face the world again. Loss engulfed him.

"I'm in the hospital," he finally said, rubbing his face with his hand and looking at his body.

Loss.

"Toji, do you want to merge with humanity? You could recuperate the damage your body sustained and then our true evolution will begin." Toji noticed her voice sounded like it was starting to come from his head, rather than through his ears.

' _What is she talking about?'_

 _About the fate of humanity, and your role in it._

"Hell!" He shied as best he could away from Rei, whose gaze had become particularly intense.

 _Toji, the world is being reborn anew._

"Shut up! You're making things up!" he yelled, and began trying to climb out of his bed.

Rei approached him, slowly, in an intimidating manner.

 _If you won't comprehend my words, then I shall make you._

Toji found his mind washed with concepts he'd never hoped to grasp. He had no interest in a great deal of schooling. If your heart was in the right place, and you wanted to do some good, help some people, then you didn't need much else, in his mind. He knew he wasn't apt in school, and so lost interest relatively quickly. The information was both foreign in content and concept.

"AHHH!" he screamed, clutching his head.

When what he learned had settled into the folds of his mind, his shaky breaths were all that could be heard in the eerily silent room.

 _Now you may go through both new and old memories, and find the path you seek._

He didn't like the sound of that at all. All this news stuff she – whoever she was, because he'd never known Rei Ayanami to be able to speak in people's minds and present life altering choices such as these – gave him pause for thought.

' _Memories… they were all pretty good. I have no desire to go now, not like that. If she has crazy mind powers, she'd know that already, right? Right, Ayanami?'_  he thought, glaring at the girl.

 _Yes, I would. But you don't even know all your own memories. Do you recall your thirty-eighth day in this hospital?_

Toji snorted. The likelihood of him pinning down such a specific memory was preposterous.

 _A Thursday. Hikari Horaki visited you with a bunch of daffodils. You wouldn't eat that day._

Toji began to recall the day. Hazy memories of Hikari being her usual sternly positive self, chatting with him. He hadn't been very happy that day, so he didn't eat. But that was it.

"What don't I know about that day? Anything forgotten clearly wasn't worth remembering. I want to live! Now go!"

He was getting angry. The world was going to hell, and there was nothing he could do. As far as he was concerned, he wanted to live, but there was also little he could do. It didn't mean he wasn't willing to try. He'd never let this disability get to him.

 _Think harder. To protect a mind, pasting over the bad with the good is a useful device._

Device. He became wary. If what she was suggesting was true…

Toji had reached the limits of discomfit. When had things got so bad? He closed his eyes and pictured that day in his head. And then-

Anger. Resentment.

It was like having a picture and finding a peeling corner. He couldn't help but pick at it, and then he pulled at it some more when he found there was something underneath.

A wish. A selfish one. Blood.

Toji shuddered when he saw the true memory in all its glory. He had tried something really stupid.

 _Do you understand now? You say you crave life, but you sought death._

Toji began to restrain the tears forming. He'd forced himself to forget that?

' _The pain, and the fact I feel so useless now… it had built up in the hospital. I couldn't take it anymore. I told myself I didn't want to be a burden to anyone else, but deep inside I knew I was being a selfish bastard,'_  he thought, pounding his fist into the bed.

 _Come with me, and it'll all be healed. You won't be useless anymore._

"Hah, you trying to charm me, Ayanami? It ain't working. I may not be quite so physically able, but I can still help people. I'll be abandoning them, otherwise. You thought getting me to dig up a bit of bad past was going to make me realise I want to join you? Think again. You've just made me realise how selfish I was. I'm not going down that path again." He gave the girl a wide, mocking grin without a trace of humour in it.

Rei watched him for several moments. Toji began to think perhaps he hadn't a choice in the matter. But then she just disappeared. Almost as if she was never there.

And Toji shuddered, and hoped Hikari had made the right choice too.


End file.
